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Have you ever thought about seeking help?
This could be the start of a conversation that presents significant emotional challenges for adult children and their parents. Because in this conversation, it must be said what often no one wants to acknowledge: one's own parents have grown old. And suddenly, they can no longer manage alone. What if that's the case, and everyone sees it—except for the parents themselves? We are here to help!
The circumstance that arises when parents grow old is hard to accept: Were they not always the ones who showed us the way? Were they not the ones who showed us how to accomplish this and that? Were they not always there for us when we were at a loss? It is difficult to see them frail before us. Vulnerable. Helpless. Somehow no longer in control of themselves. And sometimes no longer in control of their senses.
Suddenly, we are the ones who have to show responsibility and take care. This role reversal seems so unnatural. And yet it is part of the roadmap that the circle of life has in store for us.
I know you've always done it like this. But honestly, don't you also notice that it's getting more difficult?
We know from our consultations that most adult children are very keen to help their parents. But there are hurdles. Not only can hundreds of kilometers sometimes separate parents and children. The parents must also have the insight and thereby the willingness to cooperate. But what if they see things differently and don't want to cooperate?
What would you actually wish for if someday you couldn't do as you'd like anymore?
We recommend talking about the topic with the family as early as possible. Be proactive in prevention so that you and your parents know what to do when the time comes. It is easier to talk about loss, farewells, finitude, and measures when it is not urgent. You and your parents are then on equal footing — and that is a much more comfortable basis for discussing unpleasant topics.
Talk openly about household help and everyday care, about home care or inpatient care, about alternative living arrangements in old age such as senior shared apartments, nursing homes, or retirement homes. Also, discuss sensitive cases that could occur: What do we want and should we do in the event of dementia? And you may even want to discuss how your parents would like to be addressed if there are clear signs of aging. Decide together how concrete your plans should be.
Important: Remember to issue care directives and powers of attorney if necessary, so that everything is legally settled at the appropriate time.
I hear that you don't want this. And that's okay. I just want to let you know that I'm here for you if you decide otherwise.
It is not uncommon for preventive agreements to be lacking. However, when the time comes and parents could use help but refuse to acknowledge it, it can lead to real conflicts. If your parents are being stubborn, remember: It is important not to undermine your parents' autonomy. After all, you cannot force people to do anything. Even if we think our parents are acting like children, it is still their decision. Allow them their self-determination if they absolutely refuse. Offer your help and reassure your parents that you are there when needed. For now, it may have to remain at that.
This can't go on like this. That's a fact. It's over now.
There is, however, a point at which they may and must intervene: when seniors endanger themselves or others. For example, in traffic or in cases of aggressive behavior. Then it makes sense to consider further steps. If your attempt to help is completely met with resistance, the decision must be made by the district court. The judgment could then lead to admission to a hospital or placement in a nursing home. Clearly, involuntary admission is the last resort. But in such and similar cases, reason is required. Period.
7 tips for a peaceful approach:
- Think before you act: Consider beforehand how you want to address it and what arguments you want to bring to the table.
- Include family members: Talk to your siblings too—ideally before you talk to your parents.
- Get specific: Already bring a concrete solution as an option for your parents.
- Act carefully from a distance: If you live far away, rarely see each other, and generally have little contact, make an effort to build a connection beforehand. Call regularly "just because.
- Describe instead of evaluate: Instead of saying "It's really dirty here," say "I notice that your bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a long time.
- Portion in small bites: Don't immediately bring the full, painful truth to the table, in order not to overwhelm. Proceed step by step.
- Finding solutions together: Ask your parents what they would like and give them time and opportunity to inform themselves. But beware – postponed does not mean canceled!
Conclusion: Address the issue as early as possible. Ideally, when it is not yet urgent. However, if it has already reached that point, speak gently with your parents about it and involve them in processes as well as decisions. Acceptance is required in case of rejection. Except when the condition becomes dangerous. Then you should intervene.
Do you need support on the topic? Whether it's about first steps, forms, care solutions, or health and nursing insurance: Contact us. famPLUS is happy to assist you!
by Jana Lorenz
